Mischievous Days

Just something I copied and paste from my blog

It is a funny thing really
You come and go like the wind outside
Not knowing what hit me
Not knowing what happened these past few years
When I finally realize it is already past that year in 2003

More than five years had gone by without me realizing
More than five years it has been since you were last with me
More than five years it has been since you were here in my arms smiling at me
Till I finally realize I'm already 23

When everything I did reminds me of you
When all the things I saw then reminds me of you
Where were you?
Where were you then?
Where are you now?
When everything you did just doesn't matter to me then, matters to me now

I gave you the world
I gave you everything I had
I gave you the one thing that no one in the world could've had
My heart and soul for yours to keep
Even in your dark and lonely sleep
Even if it was all I had then but it was all that you said you wanted and you need

Remember that time I was far away and you cried missing me to sleep?
Remember when you said I wasn't there but I would appear to comfort you in your dreams?

What know my love?
What more can you say?
As you said goodbye and left me saying I was never there and never listened what you had to say
What more can I say?
What more can I do?
After these five long years I still kept on missing you
After these five long years I still can't love another but you

I Just Don't Understand

It is so hard at times I just don't know how to show it

I got to say sometimes that lack of education in you really shines so bright

Not that I'm proud of it but at least I have the common sense

I know when to ask and when to say so

I know that it is hard to ask for one's time since one is also a human being with one's own needs and responsibilities

But please understand, it is not that I don't care but it is a crime for me to submit to your wishes during these times

I know that you have been here for months but understand this, my family alone hasn't seen me for so long.

How can I not stay with em after so long not seeing them?

How can I not prioritize my time for them?

Tell me what your heart is saying

Why run and hide when you know best what you feel inside,
Why dance and smile while I can see clearly through your made-up smile,
Why cry when you know it's all just crocodile tears,
Why bother ask when your never here.

Why sing a song of love and joy when you never feel that way anymore,
Why continue waiting when your the one that closed the door,
Why give up such a beautiful tale,
Why say goodbye if your going to back again.

Why do I write all these words at this time of night,
It's because big damn mosquitoes and I just had a massive fight,
But now I feel these words and my heart aches,
To keep my mouth shut but my hands just can't wait.

So let bygones be bygones for all the blood you mosquitoes take,
Let me sleep soundly tonight for God sake,
Don't bother looking back on what we had then,
Cause you know we could never turn back the hands of time.

Tribute To Mama

"Born to walk this earth,
    Born to seek wonders and answers,
        Born to fail only to learn to appreciate success,
            Born not to see evil,
                Born not to cry rivers of tears,
                    Born for a reason,
                        Born not to seek endless opportunities
                            But born to grasp the one the comes by without looking back"

Have I ever appreciated life? Are my footprints on the sands of time ever meaningful? Did I ever smiled and say thank you? Did I ever caught a falling tear? Did I ever say how much my life is complete because of you? Did I say my life was perfect because of you?

23 years the hands of time never failed to turn for me. 23 years the Moon appears on the dark clear skies, 23 years the stars painted the darkness in my eyes. 23 years I walked this path and 23 years it has been since the day my ship set sail and left for a trip called life.

I may be a fool. A great fool I may be. Never doing the right things but I always knew it was alright. Every time I fell I knew you were always nearby to put me back on my track. Endless days spent thinking of me whether "is he gonna be okay?" "is he gonna be alright?"

Now on this rightful day let me say mama, THANK YOU. Thank you mama cause I know you always gave me your best and don't you worry mama, everything is going to be alright.........

Tribute to moms all over the world

Make A Wish Upon A Falling Star

Wish once then when we were young and naive,
Wish once then when we knew not what it even means,
Wish again, wish it more and wish back again,
Wish for toy cars, dolls, colouring books galore,
Wish for mama not to scold me for lying back then,

Wish upon a falling star,
Make a wish no matter where you are,
Wish it well,
Wish it right,
Cause we never knew then what was wrong and what was right.

The wish I made never came true,
The wish I made for me and you,
The wish I made to for ever stay,
The wish I made for you not to move that day.

May that star come again back up there in the sky,
So I could tell him that he had lie,
So he would know what that wish meant to me,
So he could see how lonely I have been,
So he would give me my wish back again,
So he could return my long lost friend.

What it feels to lose him then,
What it feels for him to lay there no matter what I say,
What it feels deep down inside to lose a friend,
What it feels to waive goodbye as he goes far far away,
What it feels when you know he will no longer be there,
What it feels to know he took that flight up there.

Wishing upon a falling star,
Wishing for him to see me now,
Wishing that he is among those stars above,
Wishing he could see how I miss him and love,
Love him most even if he is no longer here,
Love him even if he left me all in tears.

Dear star, why did you fall but not grant me my wish?
Why did you promised me but still it has not appeared?
I wished for my friend to always be here,
I wished that my friend would be my friend still,

Now I see that the star had not lie,
Now I see with my naked eyes,
No more tears, no more tears,
As a hand wipes away those tears,
And another, and another, so many hands here,
Wiping my tears so I could clearly see,
That the star kept his promise it made to me,
Friends so many my eyes can not count,
And my long lost friend found,
Deep within my heart.

-Tribute to you, my uncle, my friend, the one that raised me, the one that took me to see football games, the one that scolded me, the one that loved me no matter what, no matter when. I miss you dearly-

Thank You (To all of my friends and especially my family)

To thank another human being is not always an easy task. The phrase maybe simple but the feeling of sincerity and willingness to do so takes a lot out of ones ego. An egoistic self-centered and proud man may take a long time to do so while a weak hearted, low self-esteemed and mentally traumatized man would say it with ease.

My point here may not be so simple and direct but to say thank you means a lot to some one who seeks satisfaction in making others happy and in making ones life happy is but all that one person's goal in life.

My walk from Siberia to Cyber Ria seems to be of interest to many friends. My thoughts and how my mind works then, my it be my emotions getting the best of me or may it be other non explainable terms to rile up my story for others to tell their future kin.

Let's put aside that story my friend if you so happen to read this. Let me tell you the story of the road I chose once then. To carry on or to choose another was my choice back then abide the fact that you were there and you did see it. To inflict more pressure on my father's head was never the intention I had then. Neither was it to run away like the dog I am known to some nor was it emotions controlling my judgment now and then.

My past so many have heard and lived through together with but what is in my heart I have kept six feet under for as long as my 23 year old body carries my 12 year old soul with  for so long even I can no longer see myself. Why now you may ask? Why not then?

It is so easy to say "I'm happy" when the mask you've been wearing has been there since you were only ten. Hiding my emotions and true feelings from others as a sign of weakness to all was clearly not my intention or was it mine now for all to see. What actually is burning myself is not the physical and mental abuse and torture outside but what my soul burns out slowly from inside is whats' killing me.

Years and years of hiding the fact that I was hurt by the series of unconscious torture of guilt and non wanting the accept the truth of whats' at hand then has started to pile so high that I could no longer see. The peak no longer within the naked eyes' reach, no longer felt, no longer measured, no longer can you walk using mere feet.

It pains me to say I feel alone even though I have so many around me and I feel alone cause for so long I no longer tell what it is I feel. The feeling you guys gave me even for awhile I'll cherish till the day I die and no longer breathe. That day your smiles touched me so deeply. That day your smile sparked me back to life. That day I smiled my first true smile. That day you showed up back into my life even if it was for just one peep.

"Thank you" I'll say it once cause that is the most sincere "thank you" I've ever said. "Thank you" for sharing and being apart of my memoirs that day I turned 23. "Thank you" for the wishes, lavishing me with your kind words and endless love. "Thank you" even though some may forgot the correct day and the correct moment but I understand that there is love. "Thank you" for making me feel appreciated for what our friendship has so long stayed. "Thank you" for bringing me up, raising me although so many times I have failed. "Thank you" for trusting me even if I may lie again some day. "Thank you" for being there cause it hurts me more when I'm alone and no one cared.

May these 23 years of existence be worth to all and benefit man-kind more than it will ever benefit me. May I one day make these figures people call age matter and not just mere figures so that the wisdom and experience gained will make me the man people hope to see. May God grant me the wisdom, patience, loyalty to Him, courage and the kindness to withstand these coming years. May I one day pay back your kind words, thoughts and hopes with not mere promises but with proof that I so deeply need. May one day I be the man who walks with his two feet, two eyes, two ears, one mouth, one heart, one brain, and so many souls not just mind but the souls of all of you that made me, "me".

The One Waiting At The End of The Road

Face it all face it now.
The lonely nights sweeping us as we sleep in the dark cold nights.
The days spent eating alone or with friends.
The days spent like it'll never end.
The days I say Hi and Goodbye.

The days we sang in the car as it slowly rains.
The day you stayed home all alone.
The days you were sitting next to the phone.
Every time you hoped that I'd stayed away.
The days that you pray that I'll be here and stay.
No matter what you say or do, that fact is I still love you.

When I said no and you said you'll wait.
The day you cried when I walked away.
The day I came back to see your smile.
The day I saw you with another guy.
The day I saw your sweet bright smile.
The day I knew that time really flies.
That day I said that you deserved the best.
That day I knew it was one that'll last.

Now I see what a fool I've been.
To not see what was there from the very beginning.
Now as you walk that sacred isle.
I say good luck and keep that smile.
As I spread my lonesome wings.
I'll soar the skies for that one thing.
Thank you for those precious times.
Thank you till the day I finally die.

In you I learned what happiness really means.
In you I believe.
In you I see.
In you I know what love really means

-Written on a lonely night-

What If (Specially written for ya..)

Not long ago (about a week ago to be exact), the topic "what if you could turn back the hands of time? What would you change?" was brought up to me by a close friend of mine (I think you know who you are but I just hope no one reads this find out). It struck us all back then. Thinking of the times we wished it was really true, thinking how much we would have been better now if we had not did the things we did then.

I gave an answer that I wouldn't change a thing saying that I happy with the things that are happening to me rite here rite now. Well, am I really happy? What if I didn't do those things back then? What if I stayed and carried on? What if I fought harder for what I believed in? What if I said the things I really felt back then? What if?

Come on, face the fact. What if? What if? Those are merely feelings of regret. We all accepted the fact even if we don't say it out loud that turn goes by. Slowly for some, fast for the others but never turning back around. Sure the clock may say 5 and then it is 4 again but it would only mean 4 on the next day not an hour back.

So? Do you have any regrets? Do you wish could turn the hands of time and defy the law of nature? Deep down everyone has their own skeletons locked up in their closet. Deep down everyone has their own secret. But believe me, turning back and changing things wouldn't change who we are now what so ever. A mistake then just shows how much naive we were, how much inEXPERIENCE we were then.

I spelled EXPERIENCE in a capital words intentionally cause that is the main thing that I need to highlight here. Experience, may it be good or bad, keeps us alive. It keeps us wiser. My friend then said that he was happy he made those mistakes. He said, "Bro, I may not be the best man alive but I now know how not the be the worst guy in the future". Those words were so meaningful I have to write it down here.

What if I stayed on and fought for your hand? Countless nights I kept asking myself this question and were am I now? No where! It doesn't mean a thing. It doesn't change a single thing. But it is nice to dream rite. It is always fun to write your own fairy tale and be the champ in everything.

Of course no one loves losing. I still remember that penalty kick I could have saved back in school. The ball had already touched my fingers, just a bit more I said then. What if I did save that ball? Wouldn't we moved on to the finals. Wouldn't that pushed me own to play football seriously? Wouldn't that make be as fit as I was then? Wouldn't I be the man I was back then? Again ask ourselves, would you receive the great things you have now if you had changed back then? Questions left unanswered to me to this very day. Yet, I move on cause I know I have no time to write that fairy tale for my mind is needed here at this very second, at this very day.

Move on, stay strong and nothing will go wrong some say. But the fact that no one promises us anything a 100% shows how much experience they have. Nothing is predictable. Don't worry if it is a 99% failure as long as you believe that there is still 1% left to cling upon.

Can we do something now and change the past? Can I write off history that was already made?

I think you bro for bringing up this topic for because of you I've realized how much I have gotten strong. I realize that dreams are things to look forward to in the future for my actions now would make a change.

Friends from that conversation then I wrote down three things I wanted to change. Then, I wrote another three things I am happy with now and I wished it stayed the same. I realize now, one thing lost yet, another thing I will gain. Please my friends pull yourself back up. Drag your feet back into this present life we walk today, Look back at the past a reminder and look back forward again for the past will never change. "What if"s will never happen. "What if"s will never change anything. Keep your head up and walk on. Please believe in yourself and you'll see one day that nothing can stand in your way.

Behind Every Man, Tying The Knot Early

Yet again I managed to not hit the books and indulge myself once again in boredom. So once again without further explaining why this post is up here I present to you a lil bit of what I experienced or absorbed from others into this post.

Behind every man may sound a bit dramatic or exaggerated by many but lets just think for a minute and look this up a lil. The main reason why this topic came up is cause an old friend of mine just got married and I had just finished talking to my bud mainly giving an excuse of why I didn't make it to his wedding (sorry bud, really forgot it was this week! I totally forgot about it) and congratulating him.

Over millions of times the topic of "dude, have you ever thought of gettin' married young?" Well, first of we need to define young. My late grandpa got married at 18 and I thought that was young but sure those days it was more of a natural thing than it is "taboo" thing to talk about among us guys here. But believe it or not, four out of ten of my close friends are married by the age of 21-23! Thats like 40% and not to mention those were the guys who sad no to getting married young and were all about enjoying life first.

Believe me, being called "married young" is such a subjective word. A close friend of mine is already in his late 20s and his says he is as young as me. Yet, people still think he is still to young to bother about marriage. I personally believe that we should just be happy with our friends choices and support them in any way possible. It is not easy of course and having people talking behind your back is not helping either. So lets just do the talking here and think about it rather than mentioning names and say things we'll regret.

The three main reasons why guys even do thing of settling down are simply these top three answers:
1) "Man, if I don't get married now, I think she'll be snapped up by another guy". Putting it simple, if you love someone that much and you know she is the one than just seal the deal. Another fact is that women naturally do get married earlier than men in terms of the puberty cycle aspect. Come on, I was always shorter than girls in my class before I was in high school. They mature way faster. It is a theory but still facts show women get married way younger than men.

2) "Dude, I am sure I am prepared and have my future well planned. I wanna get married now and I am sure I would be a great husband". Rarely heard especially from the guys in Malaysia here but sure heard of a lot from friends studying abroad.

3) Then there is the infamous "Dude, I'm gonna a dad soon and I am still in school!". Not the very best reasons but the numbers never lie. Lets not talk about it cause I think the education system should handle this topic instead.

What I have here are a few things of what a guy really truly seeks in their future wives ( 30% my thoughts anyway cause most of the answers were either pretty much the same or were to dumb to even mention or just not the kind of material I put up here rather than my personal blog anyway).
Not to say every guy has the same list but its a general thing and it suits most men.
1) Love - If you are just in love with someone it doesn't really matter much what you say to convince him to stay in the League of Single Men. Your feelings cloud your head to think and your actions follows your control tower up there.

2) Understanding - We say it all the time but if I could find a girl as understanding as my close buds are heck I'll marry her right here, right now! The point here is actually compatibility, interests and trust. All three combined and you will get that understanding. If we can never get that right than it sure is hard in the long run.

3) Able to control and know when not to - this is actually a personal thing but when I talk about it most of us agreed. I just find it hard to stay in a relationship long enough cause I know I am hard to handle at times and when someone does manage to tame me, she doesn't know when to loosen-up her grip. It is impossible for to tell you every single time I leave home, go to the shops for a minute and then report back when I do get home if I'm doing it a lot in a single day. It is cool if it is a rare or a one off thing but sometimes you need to feel that freedom. That is way men tend to be "Bravehearts" and fight for our freedom. But, if you don't have someone there to correct you when your wrong or stop you if you think it is for your own good that is just the same as not having someone next to you at all.

4) Caring - "Come on bro, behind all that thick stubborn head of yours, you gotta admit you just cannot not love being cared by her". Thats what they always say and yeah I admit they're right on about that even if I never do admit it. Who doesn't like the feeling of being appreciated and told how worried they are if anything goes wrong to you.

5) This is what I call the Mommy Syndrome. It is like this to most men. The first ever woman in our lives are mostly our mothers. Thus, this little bit of "my mom always does this" or "my mom likes to this for me" quotes always does pop up. The more you resemble a guys mom (not in terms of looks but more to her style or character), the more he is to like you more. It is strange true but it is a fact.

Mostly the other stuff are subjective to a specific person. For example, I would want someone who is near to me always while some might have other personal things then I do so it is just not worth mentioning since it is not about what I like but more of what the findings of my experiences with friends as a whole.

Sorry again for not being able to accept any requests or give out my personal blog to everyone. I do it mainly to maintain privacy and to be as free to let out what ever I want there without worrying that I might be hurting anyone I know. Cheers again and take care. Oh yeah, please do leave comments on what you think or any thoughts freely in any of my posts.

Adios

So Sorry Guys...

I'm currently in Pantai Puteri Beach Resort, Melaka... It is hectic.. Really busy... Terendak Hospital is great!!! Learning a lot.. I've been getting requests from a few of u guys... One intersting topic was "What men want in a relationship". I have been doing my research, getting pointers, interviewing a few seniors here and there... So when I have the time, I'll sum it all up in to an entry aite...
Sorry again. bye2...

License To Love (By request from a friend to write something here)

I've been asked and asked again the same questions from time to time. What does love really mean? Well my friends, I do not know the answer to that question. It's true being alone can sometimes be hard to gobble up and to digest but I does have its advantages. That is how the topic "What does it take to fall in love" or License to Love came up at the last "mamak session" occurred. Sounds a bit lame I do agree but that's what you get when four single 20+ men can conjure up to when they're bored to the bone after watching the 'el classico' at our lovable and adorable mamak restaurant. So where to start? I know I haven't been really updating this blog much cause I've been concentrating yet again on my primary blog (yeah, I do write a lot on blogs even if don't really like writing that much but it's already been a ritual every night when I can't sleep and it's pass everyones bedtime). The story starts with my bud Mr. A asking me what happened to the girl whose been SMSing me quite often these days. I said she got pissed since I don't really reply or even pick up the phone when she calls. Then comes the ever so persistent Mr. B with his "your so gay" chants (pardon my friend here my gay/bi friends out there) telling me that I'll never get over my "great slump" as my friend Mr. C calls it. Well I said I didn't really cared that much about having a steady relationship at my tender age of 22 and Mr. B shot another chant of his famous words. First let me tell you here (since I've never actually updated this blog and only do if a friend request and the primary blog is not known to any of my friends here in Friendster) Mr. A just broke up like a month ago having being in a steady relationship for a year or so and Mr. B dubbed himself a "player" as he calls it and Mr. C is steadily joining me in our challenge to see who can run the longest mile being single (he's not so far behind but he goes on dates on and off). So basically all four men are not in a serious relationship currently and the topic 'relationship' and 'love' may sound taboo to us at times. I don't know about other men but my tribe here never really talk about our relationships that much and really only happens when the girlfriend that used to be ever so constantly around them hang with us suddenly disappears for a really long time or when a pal looks so bummed he looks as if he has some kind of withdrawl syndrome. It's really funny being buddies as we are since standard five (well most of us go way back that far and the rest add-on along the way) and we really seldom talk about this stuff (the only thing we talk about is how hot a girl is or "man, that girl is damn cute huh" stuff when it comes to girls). I don't know about you guys but believe me we're quite low it seems at times in regards of women. Well, basically there are times when we 'directly' do compliment girls on their behaviours and other none physical attributes but lets just say men are men and what comes first to the visual lens are the most "striking" attributes the naked eye sees. So as I get back to our topic here we talked about what it meant by being in a relationship steadily with a girl. One of them said it was about the beauty of indulging yourself in these out of this world emotions and feelings (I'm not talking about the time when we won the Futsal Cup last time emotion Mr. X [you know who you are] or the time we got chased by that huge dog when we we're in Standard Six Mr. T). The other guy said it is like when you go out to the movies there is actually someone there for you to look at and smiles back at you every time it comes to those boring parts. Well, I think what he really means is that there is actually some one there for him instead of us with him. Finally came the answer Mr. A gave me, "someone who completes me and makes everyday feel so important as the sun sets and you know you have not wasted a single second of that day". I really think his still missing his ex but when I govern those words awhile longer in my head he does make sense. It has been awhile since I had a serious relationship so I really tried hard to recall those moments back and really got a headache. All I remembered was me being a total jerk back then and just thought how much I would have appreciated her existence or my existence really in this world. I may not be the best looking guy in the gang but I had my fair share of relationships (your ego is talking here mister!LOL). Out of the real steady girls I was with I don't really recall myself saying "you complete me" or "your the best thing that ever happened to me" to any of them. Maybe my vocabulary was not sharp or it is just the fact that I don't appreciate what we have there and then that much. Which all brings back to our main agenda.What does a guy actually needs to have to face their committed lives as a boyfriend. Now picture yourself taking that driver's license test again and you so want to drive the car and go places without fearing those road blocks. Take the driving license as your eligibility to be in a relationship, your car as a relationship and the road blocks as problems you will encounter along the way. You will realize why I say this as you picture yourself in your current, past or future relationships. No relationship is easy and is just all about the good things so these are the things we thought are a must (even if Mr. B doesn't really agree) if we are to dare be driving anytime soon: 1) Dare to admit our mistakes - this in particular I believe is the reason why most fights go on and on our resurface again and again even if it is and old story once upon a time. Just learn to say sorry and really mean it! 2) Know and understand that you are bound to get hurt and feel miserable at times - You know everyone is not perfect and you know there are bound to be differences so fights are all but natural. 3) Know that she trusts you and at times needs your opinion even if she has already made up her mind - it really is a drag listening to long conversations and listening the her stories but those are about her and everything about her we must accept may it be her past, present or future issues we must accept that her is a whole. 4) Appreciate her opinions, ideas and thoughts even if she is naive, younger than you or just is a bit slow up there - This was what Mr. B's idea and we pretty much agree with him here. Even if you don't take her advice show her that you appreciate her ideas and it may be that she really has got experience in such situations. 5) Know that it is going to be a long way to get her to trust you 90% (a girl once said the always keep the other 10% as an insurance) policy - it is not easy when you work, study and especially socialize in a co-ed society. Your bound to have her doubting you at times and you really get sick of it but you must accept that she is doing it and acting so cause she really likes or love you that much. 6) You are ready to face competitors - Mr. C broke up with his girl because of his insecurity that his ex was being adored by others and feels that her playful and easy-go-lucky attitude makes her easily accept friends that actually have other ideas. I believe that if you see those great traits and attributes that she has then you know that there are bound to be others who think so too. It should be done and be treated as a healthy competition that should only strengthen you belief that she is one girl you don't want to let go. In my case, I should have stayed on and fought for her instead of letting her go and belief that she is better off with that other man (I was such a loser when I think about it again) 7) Know that really want this relationship and believe in yourself to support your "stand" - This here is the last of what we talked about before it was nearly time for Subuh so we went back home. I strongly believe that we always have doubts on "should I tell her" or "should I take this step" or "is she the 'one' (as I friend from college said)". Once your sure that this girl is the girl you want to commit to then stand by that belief. Go all out and never look back or doubt yourself anymore. This here maybe the longest entry I ever wrote here and is not one of those twisted entries you guys say I always write but it is what I believe a very valuable piece that I really spent time on writing. With the help of my companions, I believe these are just a minor half of other traits or stuff we should ponder upon before saying "I love you" or "please be my one" or "you complete me" shit and actually don't really mean it. Let your heart guide you and not your balls down there. It is not fair and really if you do mean it, in the end it might just turn out to be a "premature relationship" and might just regret for the rest of your lives. -by your friendly and ever so bored at home chief, Mischievous Lad- WARNING: These are just what me and my friends talked about on a night of football madness and are our thoughts alone. Do not blame me for any break ups or what so ever complaints you guys always blame me for or of any sort. Just writing upon your requests and not because I really wanted to share stuff cause I have a very private blog for that.

The Funny Things In Life

You know its quite funny how I get played by people sometimes. Tricked and picked seems normal to me but being done so by nature itself taking course?

Woo.. It's a bit of weird feeling if you ask me but yup it's finally here after so long the feeling has been gone. After so long of saying "NO" and avoiding the unwanted. It's finally here.

You just can't run or hide huh? Being asleep at home and receiving this feeling, this sensation? God works in mysterious ways in this is one of em. Never knew it would happen since I've been trying so hard to run away.

Maybe I just have to accept the fact that a man is a man and this is something that happens ever so naturally too. It's here. It's now. It's for real.

Boys and girls there you have it. The feeling I tried to avoid from is here.

4 In The Morning

It's 4 in the morning and I still can't sleep. Neither of caffeine nor is it of too much sleep.
I should be thrilled and happy by now since what I sat off for has been achieved. Yet my feelings mellow and linger way for from what it should be.

Neither a touch of sunshine nor is it the sound of crickets from a nearby creek. Neither laughter or sadness maybe just somewhere in between. Lips tight shut, eyes half alive so it seems.

I just don't know how to describe this aura around me as if everything is but a dream. "How to lose a guy in 10 days" thats the show just played on desktop screen. How is it possible I'm stuck here watching this when I should be out there being wild and free?

Lost with words I normally find easy to say. Lost with thoughts and ideas than I can't ever put at bay. Just do not know why I write even though I hate it so. Just don't know why I go on smiling when it is not there in my heart to show.

A fortress once of ego and confidence. Now piles of rust and dusts that pierce the eyes that once see so clear. Not able to enjoy the trust and feelings I dear. Just clinging to what I hold valuable left and running away from my fears.

Lighting up another candle that lights this dark and tainted heart. Seems impossible I know but who cares its a start. Voodoos and tricks wont move this daggered heart. But thanks I say a plenty for trying to sew whats already torn apart.

Just step back a little and let me take that step forward into the morning sun. Let me take those shaky steps alone and do not help me for it is mine to take and I'll promise you I will not run. Just let it be and take a step back that day will sure to come. Stop pushing and I promise you I will not run, I will not hide, I will not let what I built so long die and I will not cry.

The truth is I am strong then, now and I will still be in the future. Just don't push me and I'll show then, here and after. At 4 in the morning I'm telling you this take a step back and I'll show you what it is I'm after.

-so long its been so long but what the heck I've got time to kill-

Happy Birthday

What can I say other than Happy Birthday. What more can I give that you already hold? My thanks and deepest wishes for what ever the future holds. No matter what the world throws at us, I just know. I just know we'll make it through. Like the days when we used to run away to school cause it was late and a canning was coming and we cheated our way passed it. Remember that time when we wanted to come to school for football and it was running like there was no tomorrow but we just laughed our way through it?

I know life has never been fair to us at times and me being a jerk don't seem to help much to it. I know our ideas always part ways but hell we always stayed together to get through it. The truth is your like a brother to me, always been there even if you don't know it. I can only thank you so ever much on your birthday cause you are you and thats the best way to it.

I may not know how to sing a song, write good words or put on a smile to show my gratitude. I may not say the good things about you but come on its just egos and of course you know all about it. It's been years for us going down the road where we do not see where it leads but heck its worth it. Cause I know I have you to pull me back up and to you I owe all of it.

Happy Birthday my dear friend. Happy Birthday to you I say aloud. Those numbers mean nothing to us cause we know that life is about something way beyond digits and figures and our scars are great proof of it. I salute you on this very day, you're here passing that milestone life sets. Let your gracious wings take flight and take you where ever your destiny lies. Beyond the horizon, beyond the skies just look down and know we are always here smiling for you no matter what.

Happy Birthday!! May all your wishes come true...

The World We Live in Today...

You can swear all you like. You can curse a thousand mile. You can scream from the top of your lungs and yet it remains the same here in my world. In my world, nothing really matters and nothing really means that much.

I see what I choose to see. I listen what I choose to listen. Even if I do listen, it doesn't really matter cause I choose to REALLY listen or just SIMPLY listen. Thats the way it is. Its life. Its the world I live in. The world we're nothing else matters cause thats how it is.

The mind set of mine and of yours do not path. You don't see things the way I do. I'll just have to see you when you get there. Its just to hard to explain.

10 years ago around 1996 it wasn't always like this. Stunt men we're so hard to find it my country. Not many dare walk that path. Now, countless times you can see these street performers show off their skills for not more than attention of beauty beyond their reach. A pity I say. A big disgrace.

Its not that I don't love my countrymen. Its not that I care too less to make a stand. Its just that my voice would never reach. Education seems beyond their arms reach. Our mind set no longer on the same path. Lives walked way apart. Thats life. Thats the way it is. The my life the way I see it.